Tonight’s Dream

I feel tonight very much like the Shulamite in the Song of Solomon.

All night long on my bed
I looked for the one my heart loves;
I looked for him but did not find him.

I will get up now and go about the city,
through its streets and squares;
I will search for the one my heart loves.
So I looked for him but did not find him.

The watchmen found me
as they made their rounds in the city.
“Have you seen the one my heart loves?”

Scarcely had I passed them
when I found the one my heart loves.
I held him and would not let him go
till I had brought him to my mother’s house,
to the room of the one who conceived me.

Daughters of Jerusalem, I charge you
by the gazelles and by the does of the field:
Do not arouse or awaken love
until it so desires.

*Sighs*

The Brazilian Look without the Pain

I will start off by saying this is definitely a TMI post but since a lot of ladies have been asking me lately how to do this I decided to blog it. You have been warned.

In the past, I use to endure the pain of the hair removal process to my private area by waxing every 3 weeks at J Sisters Salon. Unfortunately one day, the super model Naomi talked about J Sisters on Oprah. Let’s just say that my faithful appointments of every 3 weeks turned to having to make advance appointments every 4 months. As any woman who keeps her private area hair free knows, if the hair starts growing back it is a living itchy hell. Well since my scheduled maintenance was forever changed by Naomi’s big mouth, I was left with having to shave the area. I hated to shave because I was left with a very irritated area and the smoothness that I love from waxing was gone. So I started to use a depilatory. Not only does this work well for me by giving me that smooth feel that I like, I can do it at anytime. Below are my instructions on how I get my private area nice and smooth without irritation. You can change any part of the instructions to suit you, if you like.

Prep-Work
* Egg timer
* Medium size glass bowl
* Nair or Neet for Bikini Area or for Sensitive Skin (do not use the regular strength)
* Olive oil
* Warm water
* Wash cloth

I use a glass bowl as opposed to a plastic bowl for sanitary reasons. Plastic over time collects bacteria but if you can only find a plastic bowl, make sure you wash it with bleach every time after use. Both my glass bowl and egg timer were purchased at a 99 cents store.

Instructions
I bring all the items in the Pre-Work section into the bathroom.

1. Fill your bowl with warm water and drop your wash cloth into the bowl.
   Make sure the water is more on the hotter side of warm but do not fill it with hot water.
2. In the sensitive area of your vagina, use a thin layer of olive oil and spread it over the area that will not be covered by the depilatory.
   Ladies, you know exactly the area I am referring to. This prevents that area from getting irritated by the depilatory.
3. You can either place one leg on your toilet bowl or sit on it spread-eagle, which ever feels comfortable for you.
   I personally sit spread-eagle but again, it’s all about preference.
4. Take a thick amount of the depilatory and begin to apply to the area in a patting motion. Do not spread the depilatory to the area and do one side then the other. Never try to do both at once. I always start with the right side.
5. If you have hair on the inner lips, do that area first. This prevents the process from getting messy.
   Again do one side first and once you have completely covered one lip, go to the next one.
6. Continue to pat the area with the cream until the area is completely covered.
   Do not over do the cream coverage or you will have a nice mess on your hands and will have to change the water often as opposed to using the water you currently have in the bowl.
7. If you have tiny hairs in-between your buttock checks and are standing, spread your legs a bit wider and apply the cream in the same patting motion. Remember one side first and then the other. If you don’t have this problem, skip to Step 9.
8. If you have tiny hairs in-between your buttock cheeks and are spread-eagle on the bowl, while remaining spread-eagle move forward on the bowl and bend your upper body slightly towards the floor. Apply the cream to one cheek and then the other. Again, the application should be done in a patting motion and one side at a time. Never ever spread the cream. If you don’t have this problem, continue to the next step.
9. Set your egg timer anywhere from 5 to 8 minutes. You should never past the allotted time written on the label or pamphlet of the depilatory.
10. Once the time is up, wring your wash cloth and with a downward motion wipe your mound clean first.
    Make sure to dip and wring your wash cloth of excess water. Excess water on the cloth creates a mess.
11. Continue to dip your cloth into the water to clean it, wring it then wipe in a downward motion until your mound is completely clean.
12. For your inner lips, spread one of the lips apart , hold it and wipe towards the direction of your thigh (sideways).
    Once most of the cream is off, dip your cloth again into the water, wring it and wipe downward. This step should be done one lip at a time – sideways wipe and then downward.
13. If there is cream between the area of your vagina and your buttocks, you should dip your cloth again to clean it, wring it and wipe sideways away from your body. Never wipe inward.
14. If you had cream in-between the cheeks, dip your cloth into water, wring it and wipe sideways and out. Again, try to do one cheek at a time as opposed to both. Doing one side at a time guarantees a cleaner area.
15. Once you are sure that you have wiped the cream off, rinse the area with warm water. Do not apply soap.
16. Pat the area dry and spread a every tiny layer of olive oil on your newly cleaned area.

Voila! You’re done.

I usually wait 30 minutes after applying the olive oil and then shower.

The entire hair removal process takes me less than 10 minutes. I only keep the cream on for 5 minutes or less because I do this process weekly. I likes it smooth. With practice, it will take less than 15 minutes to do this.

If you have any questions or need further assistance, email me at anuyorican(at)gmail(dot)com.

Stay blessed.

Do You Feel It Too?

A strange feeling began to come over me and has been building in a steady pace week by week. A strange feeling of something about to happen but what is it? And is my perception of it going to be good or bad? My body and mind seem to be preparing for it as well. I’m sleeping more and when I am not, I am checking and double-checking on life-changing ideas. Ideas that were not in my radar a few weeks ago are now front and center. The decision to choose is alarmingly urgent although there is nothing to decide since nothing has materialized requiring a decision. My temper is flaring immediately instead of the extremely slow simmer that it is usual for me. And when it comes it’s the cursing/in your face type, not like me at all. I’m reacting more instead of acting. I just don’t know. I’m edgy. Then there is the positive things that are happening – a new romance, job changing opportunities, family/friends connections. I’m getting a little bit of this and a little bit of that and a whole lot of pent-up energy. I just wish the unknown hurries up and gets here. The suspense of waiting is killing me.

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Gratitude

Today, I am grateful for my family and friends. For all those who have shaped me to be the woman I am today. And for those who have yet to arrive into my life but will be forever with me.

Hiatus

My blog is currently on hiatus. There is so much happening but nothing that I want to blog about. All of it has been banished to my journal instead. It seems that I have developed blogitis. I haven’t read or commented on many blogs these last few months. The numbers continue to dwindle to the point that I now read none.

If I do decide to come back, it will be in June. Right now, blogging has become another decision to make – do I give it up or do I continue?

I wish you all – Peace, Love and Happiness.

Love Is…

I have never been able to put romantic love into words that would make sense to anyone else. I have used in the past one of the most famous verses ever written, 1 Corinthians 13. But when asked, I can never find the words to best describe my experience with love.  It just is and I know that it is rare. I have loved many people in my life. As far as  romantic love goes, it has only happened twice to me so far. Both men are no longer in my life but I am thankful that they entered my life and allowed me to love them and gave me love in return.

Tonight my friend and I talked slightly about love. I realized why I love hearing his idea about love. It’s not just words or an incident to him. When he talks about love, you see the change in his face. He somehow transports you to a place in time where you see her as a living breathing person as well as the love they had for each other. He doesn’t really speak about what love means to him, you have to experience it with him and you do. He’s very gifted to have the ability to do that to people. He also reminds me that love is… indescribable.

The Out Clause

Tonight, I was talking to a friend who gave me a lot to think about on the way home.  One of the many foods for thought was when he said that he has always liked women that needed him. As he continued to talk, a chill entered my body as I realized that I could never allow myself to be that woman. I don’t trust any man to allow myself to be needy and expect him to be there without wanting to take something from me. I can be a man’s biggest support and his own personal cheerleader as long as he leaves me alone at my time of need. Supporting any of my needs means that I am being needy in my mind and that I cannot take.

The hard fact is  I was sexually molested for many years in my youth. The time when I needed someone the most, he took advantage of me. It took me over 35 years to talk about this to anyone but most importantly to admit to myself. I suppressed the molestation for years – never thought or talked about it. One thing I did do was I never talked about children being molested nor did I watch anything that had to do with molestation including the news segments. One night last year, I finally admitted to a friend on the phone that I was sexually molested.  That night I believe I was more admitting it to myself than to her. I told her the reason why I don’t rely on men and why I don’t fully trust them. My independence has given me the ability to never be needy. And if I feel that I am, I am gone; the relationship is over. Upon hearing my revelation that night my friend, who has never been molested,  suggested that I see a therapist.  I have been doing so since November 2008.  In one of my sessions, my fear of being needy came into focus.  My therapist calls it the “Out” clause.  If I even perceive that I am being needy, I leave the relationship or make sure that we break up. I  have always managed to keep a part of me that can walk away from any man at any time, no matter how much I love him.

Hearing my friend talk tonight, I realized that there are many women out there who are needy. Some more than others. Some even pretending to be strong and doing the support when they really are being needy.  I hope he finds the woman that he deserves.

As for my molester, I have never confronted him. Honestly, I don’t think I ever will. What is amazing is that I went from never talking about it to telling my friend last year, another woman this year, talking to a therapist about it and now writing about it so publicly in this blog.

Will I ever allow myself to be needy and in effect get rid of my “Out” clause? I doubt it. It is what shaped me and made me the woman I am today. But hopefully one day I can love in the manner that I will give all instead of some of me.

Aaah, Take-Out

Warning: This post contains some sexual content.

Take-out is the nickname that I gave my lover, who knows which year of our 10 year relationship. It was our code that I wanted to see him without others knowing exactly what was being discussed. Take-out and I met at work and at first, it started innocent enough. I used to tease him because my mere presence around his desk would make him nervous. He was always telling  people to get me away from him. Our group was eventually broken up and we all went to different offices. Our minor flirting turned to heavy IM usage – both AOL and internal. I never thought that our flirting would ever lead to anything; it was just fun. Even his invite to dinner and drinks did not raise any alarms with me; I was just going to hang out with a friend. But what happened that night needs a proper disclaimer. Whew! The lust that began  that night has lasted 10 good years. Although, our relationship goes on the back burner when I have a boyfriend as soon as my relationships have been over, Take-out is back in full force. Besides his Adonis body which I love so much, he is the only man I have ever met that loves sexual experimentation as much as I do plus we both love anal sex. Yes, I said anal – love it, crave it and get extremely powerful orgasms just thinking about it.

When we first met I was in good bodily shape so the attraction was well understandable in my book but as I kept gaining weight I always wondered how he can get so sexually turned on by just a glance coming from me. He always told me, “You allude a sensuality that most will miss but some recognize immediately”. I never knew what that really meant even when he tried to explain it to me in numerous occasions; that is until last night.

I’m going to backtrack a bit to two weeks ago. I invited Take-out to dinner with no other intentions but dinner, TOM was in town and I don’t have sex when TOM is visiting. A simple dinner turned into a heated discussion in which Take-out told me that our relationship was over since I did not want  our relationship to progress to a higher level. I was really mad at his selfishness. At the end, it really turned out that I was the selfish one. But that’s for another post at another time.

Back to the present…I was in Plurk waiting for a pj plurk to start. Something told me to call Take-out. At first, I did not want to because of our last conversation but I decided what the heck? So I did and our conversation got hot and heavy quick. And so an invite to come over was extended. Knowing that it takes 30 minutes from his home to mine, I was getting ready for my guest. As I throw on a silk robe and put on my thigh-highs, I took a look at myself in my full length mirror. What I saw shocked me. There I was with my curly hair in crazy abandon from an earlier shower. My eyes full of lust, my full lips glistened – the same lips he has always complimented as being the softest things he has ever pleasured in his life. The neck that has been kissed, licked, bitten, and slightly chocked. My full breasts and their perky nipples that seem to always be at attention. The curves that are slowly re-appearing as I continue to lose weight. The hips that have always been called child-bearing but which have drove men to kiss and caress them. My hairless V with my clit just slightly peeking through. The holder of my nectar that seems to flow embarrassingly so freely. Embarrassingly so because it tends to coat not only his member but pretty much both of us within seconds. With lips that he has sucked and bit and which I have many of times had to pry him away from. The same holder of heat, wetness and grip that has made some cry out with pleasure. My thighs that I hate so much but that have drop men to their knees to kiss. My legs that even today gets compliments in a dress. The ankles that wears an ever present anklet and the toes that look like little M&M candy. All of it I drank in and realized for the first time that it does not matter that I have gained weight. I may not look as I used to or be as sexy as I was before the weight gain but I am sensuality.

Ah, the doorbell rings;  he is early. His 30 minute drive was done in 13 minutes. This brings a laughter to my lips. As I open the door I see the lust in his eyes. We normally would kiss once he walked inside but this time we just looked at each other. We both know eventually this type of relationship will end. We have been platonic friends in the past but can we be in the future? I turn and walk away from him. As soon as there is some distance, I stop with my back towards him, I let my robe drop completely to the floor. There I am in my stilletos, thigh-highs and nothing else, I start to walk again. I can’t help but smirk when I hear his sharp intake of air…yeah, for right now, we will just enjoy the moment.

21 Days

Since my insomnia is back again, I decided it’s time to write another post.

I am quite surprised that in 21 days, based on the Gregorian calendar , this year will come to a close.  This has been quite an emotional turmoil year for me, both internally as well as external.

I spent a large portion of this year either living in the past (a lot), unsure of who I was in the present (spent a lot of time here!) or experiencing fear for the future (minute).  Based on recollection of my existence so far, I had never experience such self-doubt. I think that I had a mask for every occasion this year. Some masks were very easy while others had chips that people noticed. There was emotional chaos raging within and around me at every turn. The good thing was that after recognizing and acknowledge this, I was able to stop the slice and dice. Last Saturday, I recharge my body’s batteries just in time.

I have learned so much this year, all lessons that the Universe has deemed that I needed to learn. Although, there are some lessons that I am still unclear what they mean, I know that all will be revealed in its due time. I am also experiencing many recurring dreams and remembering details. This is cool with me since I rarely ever remember details to dreams  and only know that I had one. All of it is preparation for what needs to happen in the following year and this I know.

So how do I feel now? I’m more focused and clear. Clarity is coming back quickly but my brain is on overdrive and probably the reason why the insomnia has returned. The Universe is giving me a lot of information in various formats from people to websites’ urls. And although, I am a quick processor, the Universe is sending me the tons of messages and information in warp speed which is a bit difficult to keep up but I am managing.

What will the new year bring? I don’t have the slightest clue, I am just filing the information and lesson plans that I have learned.  I am yet again, as it has always been,  looking forward with much anticipation to the unknown.